Sometimes, it’s just better to say “I’m Fine” instead of having to go through your own emotions. Neither does everyone deserve to know, nor do you need to drown in your own sadness. It becomes a habit..it’s a lame habit!
I don’t think we can ever be completely satisfied with every single thing in our life. There will always be one thing or maybe a few, that we are not totally happy with. Sometimes, I dwell. Other times, I tell myself, “I am fine”.
It works, well enough for me to sleep with a smile. There is always a possibility for a smile. Keeping the faith matters!
I want to write so much. I know I need a Kadak Chai though, green tea just does not cut it. I mean I don`t even respect it enough to capitalize the first alphabet like I did with Kadak and Chai. Did you notice? Anyway.
Coming to the theme of this post.
I have recently developed a strong distaste for something with a real ugly long-term impact called the “Beauty Filter”. We have all used it – some of us do it everyday, a few of us on the weekends because that is when we get ready! And a lot of us do it all the time on Snapchat where the skin gets a magical transformation as soon as you open the AppFilters. Not just the skin (blemish and wrinkle free!), you get free mascara, a variety of lip colors to try, a winged eye look (I still don’t know how to do it but why fret when you have snapchat!? you know.) Not just this… you get a frikkin jawline to die for.
It’s not just the Applications but the in-built camera on your phone comes with a Beauty mode. You just have to select it and there goes your self esteem. Rocket high! Wow, I look so pretty.
THERE. STOP IT. STOP YOURSELF RIGHT THERE.
I was thinking to myself the other day, what is beauty anyway? We have been talking about BODY SHAMING since a while. How body shaming affects us psychologically, how it is happening inside our homes, how our own parents and siblings some times end up body shaming us, how your body type is not supposed to be the criterion. How the word “FAT” or “SKINNY” is as demeaning as “mental”. How we ourselves end up body shaming our own selves. Don’t we?
Just like body shaming, there’s color. No you cannot deny it but hamare desh mein, the darker skin tones are not considered “beautiful”. At least not as beautiful as the fairer ones. Ladki gori honi chahiye.
Gori lag rahi hai aaj. Kuch karwaya hai?
Beta ye laga / ye kha – gori ho jayegi.
chai peene se kaale ho jaate hai.
Don’t you sleep? What’s with the dark circles?
Rings a bell?
Well. You start believing what you listen to at the impressionable age and there goes your self-esteem. You start comparing your body type, your skin color, your hair length, your clothes with someone else who is beautiful according to the society’s standard of beauty. And sadly you forget, this is not you. You are what you do, you are what you feel, you are what you think. Your actions define you, your clothes do not. Your successes and your ability to rise after the failures define you, not your skin color… your kindness and compassion defines you, not your body type.
Then why do we focus more on the society’s idea of beauty and not your real self? How do we become a better human vs What are my angles!? (thinner/fairer/fitter) Take another photo Goddammit!
The phone companies decided to bank on this and started selling their phones with their cameras that make you look the way (or close to it) your mind agrees with. On the screen, you look just the way your mind got washed into thinking. Fair is beautiful. Blemishes are ugly. A zit is shit. Oh but it’s natural to grow up with it. You live in a polluted city, you are not equipped with facilities to avoid the harsh sun and pollution, you have a job to do. Your skin will go through changes as it ages. You cannot avoid wrinkles. You cannot avoid grey hair. You cannot avoid aging! Oh that is another topic.
I have been an extensive Snapchat user. The application is not hogging any space on my phone now. I have been using the “beauty” mode on my phone too (to which my husband objects. He said – be natural.) In fact, my husband’s constant objection to clicking selfies in the beauty mode is what led me to think over it. I don’t need to use what the phone company and the society at large think will make me look “beautiful”. I have my own standards of beauty, henceforth.
So am I ready to ditch the beauty filter and embrace the dark circles? Yes.
Don’t fix my hair, don’t straighten my top. I am fine the way I am, happy and confident of who I am. I do not need your perception of perfection to ruin my permanent state of imperfection. I love myself!
I think it took me half an hour to write an E-mail. It is an important one! I pray it’s received and replied to positively! ❤
I love my faith system, I got to make it stronger in a few other departments though.
I love how I sense the vibes and how real they are.
I have a bloody zit in the middle of my eyebrows but thanks to my glasses, it’s conveniently hidden. I need it to vanish by the weekend. No plans yet but I don’t want a bloody zit on a Saturday. Ruins the mood.
I have a book waiting to be read and finished so that I can start the other 10 waiting to be finished.
People step into your life as Chapters but some chapters don’t end. They stay. I have some in my life and I am going to write about one of those today. His name is Vivek.
I don’t think though, that I can do justice to our bond in words. I can smile. He is a friend, a true friend, to say the least. Well, me referring to a human being as a “friend” is also a big deal alright.
So this guy and me are friends since (I don’t remember Vivek, 2016!?) Yeah, 2016. And we met just once. So, this relationship is deep in that sense that we don’t have to meet often to stay friends, to be comfortable enough to confess random things about our personal lives and in the process help each other by giving an unbiased point of view.
Shit, there is no picture of both of us together. He is a good photographer too. Too? I complimented myself, too :p When we met, he took a really beautiful portrait of mine. Some people are just easy to photograph and I, definitely am not one of those. I am difficult in every sense possible. A difficult daughter, a difficult wife, a difficult friend, a difficult soul to live with. And guess what, I am proud and frustrated.
Vivek and I became friends on a video broadcasting Application called Periscope, I adored his broadcasts, I thought he spoke well and was super candid. We had this one thing in common then, which somehow brought us back together recently, after he took off for an year and more. Yes, there was a time when we stopped talking and maybe rightly so. Sometimes, we need to give ourselves a good time away from a person to heal a part of us that was hurt. And I feel, it happens often in my friendships. My friends move away. And then I get them back.
But I am talking only about the “chapters”. The ones who never were friends never get back, neither do I feel the distance. I felt this distance.
Well, relationships change like seasons. But I know this one’s there for good. That thought is comforting enough when it comes to soul connections. They stay and that is a relief. It’s the beginning of autumn now and I love the fuzzy warm feeling this season brings.
This is more like a letter. You mean a lot to me, dear friend. I hope we meet again someday and this time, get loads of photographs. One for each season 🙂
Okay, I am comfortable now. There is my favorite chai in my system again. Ginger Honey..Mmmmmm. I have pulled the coffee shop table very close to me, and I am almost slouching in their couch. My spinach and corn cheese sandwich is getting prepared and the husband is on his way back – coffee shop, not home. I have asked him to come here and meet me. It’s nice to meet like old times after marriage.
Okay. The sandwich sucks. I recently turned into a vegetarian. The ‘I can have the curry but not the chicken’ kind of vegetarian. Not the ‘I can’t have anything off your chicken infested plate, ewww‘ kinds. I mean, I have had kangaroo salami, beef, pork, lamb, fish – the works. And most of them were good to taste (sounds terrible). Why the change then? Why have I left it? I have not left it forever. Uh huh? Well, forever is a huge commitment. I may pass KFC and dive in for the fried chicken any day. But till I can avoid, I shall. #NoAnimalsOnMyPlate ? Am I an animal lover? Of course I am an animal lover, I won’t hurt a fly. So how do I so easily contradict myself when I go “mmmmmmmm” after eating a bite of pepperoni pizza? It’s just that I am not comfortable with this duality anymore. Either I stop eating animals or I love them. There is just one possibility. I definitely love animals. Why is eating a dead lamb alright but eating a human is extreme? You know what I mean? No I am not suggesting eat a human, duh.
Anyway, just clearing my thoughts and this sandwich grew on me while doing that. I have left the other one for the husband but if he takes long, ha.
Also, wherever I sit, I always find two couples, two very different couples. One of them is always sort of seriously involved in a conversation while the other couple is in the phase of getting to know each other. And if you look outside through the glass, you always find someone taking a selfie or a #boyfriendOfInstagram while the girl royally poses. How do they do that so easily! BAFFLED.
Someday, I want to do that on the streets of New York or London. Till then, Connaught Place will do.
After going through a gamut of feelings in the last two years, I am sort of back to where I was at this point and I intend to stay that way. Unaffected yet sensitive to love. Is this possible? Yes. Because I genuinely believe that I can let go. I can forgive…and forget. I can send blessings to the souls who’ve hurt me in the past, accidentally or consciously, for I believe, they had their reasons and their reasons were right for them. XO!